#6: What If We Have Misunderstood "Narcissism"?
Jul 12, 2023
The term "narcissism" or "narcissist" is familiar to many of us. In this article, I aim to shed light on a different perspective than the prevailing cultural narrative.
However, let me be clear: I am in no way attempting to minimise or excuse the impact that individuals displaying narcissistic behaviour have on their relationships. I fully acknowledge the harm and suffering experienced by victims. Nonetheless, I believe that the dominant narrative may not be the ultimate solution for preventing harm; in fact, it may perpetuate it. So, let's begin by revisiting the role of the ego, albeit in broad strokes.
As you may have read in some of my previous content about the ego, it is a term that is often misunderstood. The ego serves multiple functions, but for the purpose of this article, let's focus on its role in keeping us safe.
During childhood and adolescence, as well as significant events that shape and develop our brains, experiences and impressions create neural pathways that form what we know as schemas. These schemas consist of various pathways that guide our decision-making and nervous system, aiming to secure our safety. Often, these signals remain unconscious and are reinforced over time through repeated stimuli. The colloquial representation of the ego's signalling mechanism is the inner critic. This inner voice becomes loud when we engage in activities perceived as risky by the brain. For example, someone with social anxiety may experience a judgmental and negative inner critic leading up to a social event because the brain believes it will make them vulnerable.
Within the prevailing narrative about individuals displaying narcissistic tendencies, it is frequently asserted that they possess enlarged or overactive egos and are driven by a desire for power and control.
If we understand the ego's role as that of ensuring personal safety, we could consider that those in our community who appear to have large egos or exhibit narcissistic behaviour and personality traits may actually be individuals who feel the least safe. Remember, a person's sense of safety and attachment style is primarily formed in early childhood.
To contrast the dominant narrative, I invite you to think about someone you know who you perceive as having an overactive or "enlarged ego" and, for a moment, consider this person as having a wounded inner child. They may be among those in our society who need the most care and understanding.
Now, I understand that this task can be challenging. But before delving deeper into this concept, I want to emphasise the following: the first step towards personal integration of these ideas is to acknowledge the impact this person has had on you. We must never minimise or neglect the effect they have had on our wellbeing. Being in a relationship, whether intimate or not, with someone who consistently prioritises their own needs and safety without considering ours can be extremely challenging and painful. Therefore, it is crucial to prioritise meeting your own emotional needs and sense of safety when engaging with individuals who exhibit such traits. By ensuring the safety of your own inner child, you can develop into a mature adult capable of holding compassion for those whose inner child continues to express fear and the need for self-protection.
Maintaining a balance between compassion for the wounds within yourself and within others can support your sense of sovereignty and autonomy. As a counsellor working with children and young adults involved in the justice system, I found that maintaining this perspective while also empathising with the pain of victims required a delicate balancing act. Nevertheless, my core belief and inner knowing affirmed that unconditional positive regard was the only way to facilitate healing for the individuals I worked with and to safeguard our community.
If this resonates with you or prompts you to explore and expand on this concept in relation to your personal circumstances, I encourage you to continue the conversation with someone you trust or reach out to us via our link below.
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